Do you watch football on Sundays? Awesome. Do you hate the commercial breaks? Me too.
And not just because there are so many breaks throughout the game. I’m a young, single male still making some strides in life. I’m not the audience the NFL is targeting with the ads they air.
Some of us have never considered using Viagra or Cialis. But watch enough football and we will become convinced that we may need it. Because how else is our smoking hot, mid-40’s wife going to be satisfied in bed?
We’re led to believe there is something wrong with us, but if media and marketing is really a reflection of us as consumers, then maybe there is some truth to it. I think a big reason why we clutch so tightly to insecurities lacking any basis is because not enough of us are coming out to speak up. If the only communication we have on sexual performance is that we need a prescription to pop a pill, it stands to reason that more men will think they aren’t adequate in bed.
Well thank goodness for the fine folks at Pornhub and Askmen to show us that a) everything is fine, really, and b) you’re not the only person with some anxieties about sexual performance. A couple of months back the two teams surveyed men on their ejaculation habits both with and without a partner. None of the information was “ground-breaking” per say, but there were some telling quotes to help understand the male mindset on popping.
“10 to 15 if I’m not watching porn. 3 to 10 if I’m watching porn.” This speaks to the power of porn and visual aids. Some of us last longer when the only arousal we have is touch and the strength of our own imaginations. Add the hyper-visual of nude women and sex, and suddenly that lasting time decreases.
I’m not one to preach against fapping to porn. While I’m always interested in anything that speaks to self-improvement and physical well-being, I’m also a staunch believer in people doing whatever makes them happy. That said, this quote illustrates why some people advise men to try masturbating without porn when there are concerns about penis strength and sexual health.
We’re not pornstars, so being able to last for 20 minutes in the middle of intercourse isn’t expected. But there is some disappointment in not being able to enjoy the experience for more than just a few minutes. There is benefit to training the body to be stimulated by touch and emotion, not just images.
“When you’ve been using your hand since you were a teenager, something foreign like a pocket pussy is almost exotic.” Welp, that’s another factor in not lasting long in bed. A hand is not the same as a vagina. A girl can’t write a letter with her vagina, and we don’t grow up anticipating inserting our dicks in hands.
This isn’t a push for us to just run through women to get used to the feel of pussy, but practice does make perfect (we talkin’ ‘bout practice). Pocket pussies have an odd place with us socially and in male culture, but using a masturbator really can strengthen your sexual health if you do so wisely. So it’s not entirely surprising that nearly half of the men that use one pop rather quickly.
“She feels as though it’s a confidence boost.” For obvious reasons, I’m in no place to make a generalization and say this is true across all women. I understand the thinking: making a dude come quick means the woman clearly did a great job with her sex game. But there is some nuance to this.
Coming quick may not be the biggest deal. But if that prevents you being able to help your partner get pleasure as well, that isn’t a particularly good thing. Saying that doesn’t insinuate an accusation of selfishness, but the goal in sex is for both parties to be satisfied. I’m not sure “glad” is the most appropriate description for how a woman feels in light of us coming quickly.
That said, not being able to come and reach climax definitely fucks with a woman’s head. I’m not saying that because I read it somewhere. I’m saying that because I have experienced it. I’d rather come quick than not at all. But while it’s good 53% of the men said they’ve never felt ashamed for doing so, lasting longer is still the preference.
“I’ve been shamed for NOT coming.” Dammit, I jumped the gun on this one. Better to deal with sexual incompetence and make your partner feel like she did too well than to have delayed ejaculation and make her feel unattractive. The latter is a more pressing issue to fix and figure out than the former.
“I wish I knew why.” Fuck! I jumped the gun again. Rather than copy and paste a whole bunch of reasons you can find online, I’ll just share my single theory on this: for men having trouble climaxing, odds are it’s due to masturbating in a way that can’t be closely replicated in actual sex.
Now, you’re a smart guy, so you probably notice the contradiction in me saying that: I just said earlier that a hand is not like a vagina. So logical reasoning says that masturbating the traditional way shouldn’t help. But on the contrary, as this is where the nuance kicks in.
Masturbating without porn and with a device (hand, masturbator, sock, etc.) that fully closes around your penis is the closest means to mimicking the real thing. Masturbating to porn or with some technique that can’t be matched (like masturbating prone) is far from a true sexual experience. When we get our bodies accustomed to coming one way, it takes a reboot to get it used to reaching climax through other means.
That’s not science; that’s just logic. If you’ve been shooting a basketball all your life with your right hand and suddenly switch to using your left, that transition won’t be smooth initially. If you’ve spent most of your time beating off to clips of Jada Stevens taking one up the butt (because we all have), what happens when you’re under the sheets in a dark room with no visuals to get you going? Please don’t say “visualize Jada Stevens.”
“Because you gotta show your partner that you are a real man.” And there it is. So much of our masculinity is tied to the part of our anatomy that speaks most to our gender. Our penises and abilities in using them tend to define us as men. Not being able to satisfy women speaks poorly on us as men, and that thinking causes so much insecurity.
If we come quickly, the concern isn’t really that we didn’t get to fully enjoy the experience (because we technically did, to a limited extent) or that our partner wasn’t pleased (it’s more ego-driven than that). The concern is we did a poor job and now that partner will look somewhere else for physical gratification. Or that under-performance will become a trend.
Think about the way that quote is worded: coming too soon isn’t a trait found in “real” men. There’s no bigger indictment you can place on a guy than to say he is less of a man. And for as many traits as there are that speak to masculinity and manhood, how we do sexually is a sticking point.
We view our penises as a “tool” as if it’s just a piece of equipment we use to get a job done. As a matter of fact, if you try to define tool in Google Docs, the third definition you get back is “a man’s penis.” And Google knows everything, so that is fucking insane. We view sex as a performance and not a shared experience. That’s a lot of unnecessary pressure placed on our anatomy and our sexual endeavours.
We never look at issues in sexual health from the perspective of how it affects our partners. We look at sexual health from the perspective of what it says about us personally. But in focusing so much on the self, we forget that these issues aren’t the end of the world and that so much of what we believe to be bad is really just in our heads.
When I talked about being able to last longer than a few minutes, it wasn’t about being more of a man. It was about getting the most out of the sexual experience as possible. Stressing on the mechanics of how you perform takes away from that. There is more to sex than just using a penis.
We have other “tools” at our disposal that we probably never even think to use. We have our tongues, lips, words, hands, finger, bodies, touch, emotion, and passion. Porn does a magnificent job of reducing the sexual experience to either phony or non-existent lead up, followed by the money-making contact between genitals that lasts roughly 12 minutes after carefully crafted editing. Everything else is irrelevant, but it’s the “everything else” that actually matters most in how we see ourselves.