Pokémon XXX Parody: Gotta catch pornstars

The Scene: Pokémon: An XXX Parody on Reality Kings (featuring Xander Corvus and Annika Eve)

The Plot: Pornstars are now Pokémon. Xander realizes he is missing out on some pokéass and decides to hit the outdoors. After capturing Annika in the easiest battle alive, he uses her for sex. Yup.


Is this not the dream? This is exactly what Bernie Mac, rest his soul, envisioned in his second appearance on Def Comedy Jam. Sex in can.

I feel like this is the world our president would want for us. One where men just capture pornstars in Poké Balls, unleashed whenever we need to get our dicks wet. That’s the rapey and sadistic world I want to live in (not really).

If this were to ever go down, God forbid, it would have to be greatest innovation in gaming and sex history, right? Like, we would totally forget about sex robots. The new dream is getting pussy by simply catching it.

We have already gone over this lesson, but I have to repeat it: men love sex but don’t love the effort getting it requires. A mature man understands he has to put in work to get some ass. But accepting this reality isn’t synonymous with liking this reality.

And if there is anything these reality porn scenes have taught me, it is this: we want sex to come in the easiest ways possible. My friend complains every week about how much work she has to put in just to get some dick. We want what we want when we want it, and the more accessible it is, the better.

xander corvus
Xander Corvus looks so happy. And why wouldn’t he be? He just captured Annika Eve with little effort and can now use her for bang sessions. We too would be overjoyed.

What is more accessible than a Poké Ball meant to hold pikapussy hostage? And yes, I guess the sex robot from Brazzers is pretty damn accessible. But if you would prefer that, you have clearly cracked your skull by crashing your brain against it.

Think about every advantage a Poké Ball of pornstars has over a sex robot:

  • Pornstars are real people. Robots are not.
  • You don’t have to pay for the pornstars. You just catch them.
  • There is no shipping or delivery. YOU JUST CATCH THEM!
  • You don’t have to download upgrades.
  • You don’t have to worry about warranties, maintenance, or technical issues.
  • You can have multiple pornstars. Options are typically a good thing.

I don’t even want to continue typing because this is so fucking obvious. I’m pissed I even brought up the comparison. If you are an inexperienced dude that wants sex without the judgment, this is you want. Sure online dating would collapse and Meetups would become 75% less creepy, but at least you would get what you’re really after.

I have never played Pokémon Go. But my buddy has caught like a hundred of these things just walking down the sidewalk near our office. Even little kids are capturing Pokémon. Wasn’t Ash Ketchum like ten years old when he became a Pokémon trainer? Bruh, it can’t be that hard.

In this scene, Xander Corvus literally hopped out of bed, realized he needed some pussy, went outside, and caught some. Annika Eve’s only defense was shaking her ass. Capturing her was like the equivalent of capturing a Magikarp.

Who the fuck would ever complain about capturing Annika Eve without needing to put up a fight? Which pornstar is like the next level up from Annika Eve? Maci Winslett? Candice Dare? That is the equivalent of a Pidgey. You can capture Candice Dare and ‘dat ass’ at the same rate you can capture a Pidgey!

This is so meta and accurate it’s disturbing. Bravo Reality Kings! You took an artifact that is causing gamers to not take notice to the women surrounding them, and made it the greatest wet dream alive.

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